Shitty Turbulence

I had to go. I had been holding it for over three hours, I had to take a shit. I was wedged in my seat, on my left was a guy in the aisle seat who apparently could instantly fall asleep. I had been sitting uncomfortably in that middle seat on that cramped plane with my elbows pressed up against my sides. Both passengers to my left and my right were armrest hogs.

And yes, it was probably stupid of me to order that cheese tray being that I am lactose intolerant. But there were so many different kinds of cheeses beautifully laid out amongst all those yummy crackers. But in my defense, I had to go to the bathroom before that cheese tray. And yes, I have made better choices in my life.

So once the cheese kicked in, I was forced to rouse the arm hog/narcoleptic, who didn’t hear my pleas to move because he was wearing earbuds. I generally had a no-touch policy when it came to strangers, but I was forced to grab his shoulder to get his attention. His eyes sprung open and looked at me with the hatred that only comes from being woken up. I smiled somewhat painfully and asked if he would move so I could get up. But because he was wearing earbuds, I was forced to point toward the aisle repeatedly like an epileptic in a game of charades.

Finally, and probably sensing the urgency he slowly stood up. I thanked him as I scurried off to the bathroom. Funny how in a plane they’re called bathrooms when they are more like a closet. Wait, isn’t that what Germans call them? I’d have to look that up when I got back to my seat.

So, into the three-foot square space I went and made myself comfortable. As I sighed with a creepy smile on my face it suddenly felt as though I was freefalling because really, I was. The captain’s voice came over the speaker and said that we were, and I quote, “In for a bit of turbulence so please stay in your seat and buckle your seatbelt.” Well, I had one of those things covered, it’s not my fault that they don’t have seatbelts in the Wasserklosett. Luckily for me, when sitting on an airplane toilet you have a sink nearly pressed against your chest, because on the next bit of turbulence my ass literally lifted off the seat and I grabbed onto that sink for dear life.

It was then that there was an urgent knocking on the door. “Sir,” the flight attendant said, “I need you to get to your seat.” 

I wanted to tell her that I was seated but instead I mumbled, “Be out in a minute.” Thankfully there was no performance anxiety, so I finished doing my business and proceeded to wash my hands. Again, the plane shook and dropped, and I once again grabbed for the sink except that this time my hands were covered in soap. It was then that I slipped and before I could register what was happening, I was on the floor with my head wedged between the toilet seat and the wall with my ass turned up toward the ceiling. Now I don’t know if you have ever fallen into a three-foot square space with soapy hands, but it is rather difficult to stand up.

Again, with the urgent knocking, “Sir, I really need you to return to your seat! Sir, are you alright in there?”

“Um, yes. I’m fine. Just a moment more and I’ll be out.” It was then that I began to flail my arms around to try to get up, I realized that I wasn’t going anywhere.

“Sir, are you alright?”

“Ah, I seem to be stuck and need some help.” I mumbled into the side of the toilet.

More incessant knocking. “Sir I need you to take your seat now!” I sighed realizing that by now the back half of the plane’s passengers had their attention on the situation unfolding. Except maybe the guy who was sitting next to me, he was probably asleep. I heard the flight attendant gasp as the plane shuddered and dipped once more. Then there was silence. I thought that maybe there had been a reprieve and in a moment of self-preservation the flight attendant followed their own advice and took their seat.

Just as I was thinking that I could squirm on the floor in peace there was another pounding on the lavatory door. “Sir, this is the air martial. I need you to come out NOW!” Well, shit.