Shitty Turbulence

I had to go. I had been holding it for over three hours; I really had to take a shit. I was wedged in my seat on a cramped airplane, with a guy in the aisle seat to my left who apparently could instantly fall asleep. He was slumped over, his forehead resting on the seat in front of him. Sitting uncomfortably in that middle seat, my elbows were pressed against my sides, and both passengers to my left and right were armrest hogs. Tall people should automatically be upgraded to business class.

And yes, it was probably a bad decision to order that cheese tray, especially since I am lactose intolerant. But there were so many different kinds of cheeses beautifully laid out amongst all those yummy crackers. To my defense, I had to use the bathroom before I indulged in that cheese tray. And sure, I have made better choices in my life.

Once the cheese kicked in, I was forced to rouse the arm hog/narcoleptic next to me, who didn’t hear my pleas to move because he was wearing earbuds. I generally had a no-touch policy when it came to strangers, but I had to grab his shoulder to get his attention. His eyes sprang open, filled with the kind of annoyance that only comes from being woken up. I smiled somewhat painfully and asked if he would move so I could get up. But since he was wearing earbuds, I had to point toward the aisle repeatedly, like an epileptic in a game of charades. 

Finally, sensing the urgency, he slowly stood up. I thanked him as I scurried off to the bathroom. It’s funny how on a plane they call them bathrooms when they are more like a closet. Isn't that what German's called it?

So, into the three-foot square space I went and made myself comfortable. As I sighed with a creepy smile on my face, it suddenly felt as though I was freefalling because, really, I was. The captain’s voice came over the speaker and said that we were, and I quote, 'In for a bit of turbulence, so please stay in your seat and buckle your seatbelt.' Well, I had one of those things covered; it’s not my fault they don’t have seatbelts in the Wasserklosett. Luckily for me, when sitting on an airplane toilet, you have a sink nearly pressed against your chest, because during the next bit of turbulence, my ass literally lifted off the seat, and I grabbed onto that sink for dear life. 

It was then that there was an urgent knocking on the door. "Sir," the flight attendant said, "I need you to get to your seat."

I wanted to tell her that I was seated, but instead, I mumbled, 'Be out in a minute.' Thankfully, there was no performance anxiety, so I finished my business and proceeded to wash my hands. Yet again, the plane shook and dropped, and I grabbed for the sink, only to realize my hands were covered in soap. I slipped, and before I could register what was happening, I found myself on the floor with my head wedged between the toilet seat and the wall, my ass turned up toward the ceiling. Now, I don’t know if you have ever fallen into a three-foot square space with soapy hands, but it is rather difficult to stand up. I prayed fervently that the bathroom floors were cleaned between flights. I'm sure I prayed in vain.

More urgent knocking. 'Sir, I really need you to return to your seat! Sir, are you alright in there?' 

'Um, yes. I’m fine. Just a moment more and I’ll be out.' It was then that I started flailing my arms around, trying to get up, but I realized I wasn’t going anywhere. 

'Sir, are you alright?' 

'Ah, I seem to be stuck and need some help,' I mumbled into the side of the toilet. 

More incessant knocking. 'Sir, I need you to take your seat now!' I sighed, realizing that by now the back half of the plane’s passengers had their attention on the situation unfolding. Except maybe the guy who was sitting next to me; he was probably still asleep. I heard the flight attendant gasp as the plane shuddered and dipped once more. Then there was silence. I thought maybe there had been a reprieve, and in a moment of self-preservation, the flight attendant followed her own advice and took her seat. 

Just as I was thinking that I could squirm on the floor in peace, there was another pounding on the lavatory door. "Sir, this is the air marshal. I need you to come out NOW!" Well, shit.